Becoming a father is, of course, a wonderful thing. I’m not setting out to suggest that it isn’t. So, don’t worry y’self.

No, what I’m going to bang on about is the strangely secret things that you don’t get told about prior to becoming a father.

There are lots and lots of fantastically horrifying things that you get told, when you’re already shitting yourself at this point. You’re told mainly that you’ll watch your dear wife/partner/surrogate become a screaming, bleeding wreckage. You’re told that you’ll have shit everywhere, no money, no sleep, no personality of your own.

There’s some truth in all of this. But, it’s mostly horseshit, and there are loads of other things that, as a two-time dad myself, and knowing lots of other new-dads, I can safely attest to.

1. Superfluousity

Actually you will become bereft of personality, but only really during the birth. You may be part of a strangely new-age family that discounts the father as a non-essential component post-birth and, you know, if that’s you then get the fuck of there.

What I’m talking about is actually during the birth itself. You need to be around, but you have next to zero importance in this world at this point. The lady giving birth is the centre of the universe right now and you are a minor moon. However, as a dichotomy, you have to be around when a hand, a look, a squeeze, a curse is needed.

It might surprise you, but you will suddenly not get any of the attention you’re used to, for the time it takes. Then, suddenly, you’re back in the frame and have to do everything and you’re important again. But, things have changed, and you know it.

2. The Laughs

The main thing that it astonishes me that no-one talks about is the laughs.

Children are funny. Really, really funny. And you’re their dad, so you’re the funniest person in that child’s life for the next 15 years at least, maybe their whole life!

We, as Dads, are petrified of everything and rightly so. But, why doesn’t anyone tell you about the laughs?

I hope that I am not unique in this, but I have had more laughs with my children, before they were even 2 years old each, than I’ve had anywhere in my life. Kids are brilliantly funny, because they don’t care about anything, will say anything, will do anything and try anything.

If you chill the fuck out about things, then you’ll have so much fun you won’t believe no-one told you. Make sure you tell everyone else.

3. The Shit

The biggest scare story that you get is the sheer volumes of shit that are going to pour all over you from the moment your child is born.

OK, so babys shit. *Gasp*. Did I read that right?

Of course they do, for goodness sake. All babys do is poo, cry, eat and sleep for a good while. But, you poo, don’t you? Did you ever own a dog, or a cat? Know anyone who did? Ever see a dog poo on the pavement?

Poo is not a big deal. The way it’s sold to you is like it’ll be sprayed around the walls and into your face 24/7. As it turns out there’s a small, helpless creature that needs to be cleaned up quite often, because they can’t do it, and there is literally nothing that you would rather do than be the person who makes them clean and tidy again. So, it’s no shit.

So, anyway, there’s more to this, but enough for this post. Fear not Dads, it’s nowhere near as bad as they say, and loads better than they say.