mad-max-fury-road
Tom Hardy, suddenly realising he’s in another shitter.

Before the advent of YouTube, streaming and the sharing of MP3s, people made loads of money selling singles. It was a boom industry, flogging £1.29 cassettes or £1.99 CDs to fans, or just curious musicos, by the bucketload. Billions, it was worth. A bloody packet. Because millions of singles got bought, and the pop charts were a tense and thrilling race to number one.

Since MP3s though, no-one buys shit. I want to hear the new Doobie Brothers single? YouTube. I’m certainly not going to get the bus to Our Price and buy it. No way. No how. No need.

What all this means is that, whilst in the 1980s and early 1990s, you needed to sell hundreds of thousands of copies to get to number one. By mid 2000 there was a number one that sold less than 18,000 copies. Now, because streaming is so ubiquitous, it’s being counted in the charts. So, you could get to number one without selling a single copy of your song.

Getting a high percentage rating for a film these days seems to operate in exactly the same way. So numerous are reviewers, with thousands upon thousands of websites posting reviews, that it’s potentially easy to get the right number posting reviews and get 90%+ for a film that is pony.

More to the point, there is such a desperate scramble to get reviews noticed, because they popularise the paper/magazine/website that has written it, that they will post lovely things about craphouse films, because they know that they’ve got massive budgets and it’s in their own interest to keep them sweet.

This foil-hat conspiracy jibe is not without purpose, you’ll be glad to hear. I know that this must be the case, because I have seen Mad Max: Fury Road.

A more disjointed, poorly scripted, badly acted, shockingly edited, humourless and pointless film I, or anyone else, is yet to see. It has no plot, no characters, no dialogue, no tension, no fear, no drama and, bizarrely, no lead actor. You’d think Tom Hardy, as Mad Max, was the lead actor. But, he isn’t. There isn’t one. Could be Charlize Theron (yet again driving more nails into the coffin she keeps her Oscar in), or even Nicolas Hoult, as he continues his X-Men-led Hollywood mission to shed any acting credibility he gained in Skins and A Single Man. No, Hardy is not it. He’s monotone, uninteresting, does very little on screen, and is in no way as mad as you’d think his name might suggest. It’s a 15 certificate, for fuck sake.

I often wonder how films like this make it out of the editing suite. I guess there’s a point at which the studio thinks ‘No, we can’t save this shit. Get it outta here!’. There are plenty of examples of this. Maybe they think, ‘Hey guys, what if we put out some guerilla interviews, saying that it’s ironic? That way people will think we never meant it to be serious or mean anything, and that it’s bullshit on purpose!’. ‘Yay! Go Carl, that’s genius!’.

More depressingly, I fear they actually know exactly what they’re doing and are making moronic films for morons. Well.

This is not a good, honest post-apocalyptic romp. It is not a barefaced shooter. It is not an unashamed action film. It’s a pile of boring, time-wasting, insulting crap. An embarrassment to the originals, and beneath all three main actor’s ability. Or so I hope.