Everyone owns jeans, everyone wears jeans. You’re probably wearing a pair right now in fact, and I bet you have at least three pairs, if not more. Maybe you only wear jeans. Lots of people do.


And that’s the thing isn’t it. Jeans are completely ubiquitous now, to such a degree that I don’t think they’re considered a fashion option anymore, they’re just legwear. But, it was not always so. Oh, no.

If, like me, you’re a child of the late 70s, or even early 80s, take a look at pictures of you when you were a nipper. Before the age of 8 or 10, I’ll bet there aren’t many of you wearing jeans. You’ll have cords on, or canvas trousers, or some other trouser or short. But, not jeans in every picture. Even your parents won’t be wearing jeans. In some they will, but the minority I’ll wager. Britain just didn’t wear jeans. They were for American workers, so why would we? Only rebellious kids in Hollywood films wore them, pshaw.

So it took the 80s to make jeans acceptable and wearable. Mainly because the 80s introduced variation. Where before jeans were blue, they were suddenly different washes of blue, oooh. Then, much later, black! This was so much later that I can remember the adverts for them, featuring Eddie Kidd. Finally white jeans. Hmm.

Now, I know that jeans have lost that anti-estabishment vibe they had in 50s America, and that everyone owns them. Department stores make their own. They’re sold for the elderly and they’ve become established businesses dress in today’s godless, ‘smart casual’ workplace. But, nevertheless, there’s plenty of piss-taking mileage in the cuntage of jeans-wearing out there, I’ll wager. So…

Stonewashed: I could go on and on and on about this look. But it’s basically just a middle-aged man joke now. So, let’s not fuck about and waste time, here’s a picture of Status Quo. Moving on…

Joe Bloggs: This was one of those amazingly popular, then nonexistent brands that appeared in the early 90s. Stone Roses type baggies were the rage and Joe Bloggs became the brand people wore. Then you got them from the market, and people realised they were shit.

 

Window Jeans: Remember these? Brilliant. Jeans with a big coloured window frame design on the ass. I never had any and still regret it. I literally cannot find a picture of these though. Will update if I can.

White Jeans: So extreme that they can be both awesome and totally shitehouse. I propose these two pictures to illstrate this point.

Ripped Jeans: Another late 80s/ early 90s fad. George Michael started this, Bros finished it. Companies started making jeans with ‘rips’ in. Should always be avoided. Why? It’s gay, and not in a good way.

 

Drainpipes: I’ve discussed tight trousers before so won’t dwell on these. Can make the wearer look cool, usually make them look like a polio victim.

Baggy Jeans: We’d all like to kick this guy over, and then in. Is it because they are so improbably designed as to be a genuine challenge to wear them I wonder. I think so. I feel the same kind of anger towards people riding unicycles. There is zero practical motive behind this kind of enterprise, other than to make people look at you. And for that reason I should imagine that they’d be grateful of the pinnacle of public attention – a beating.

Black Jeans: Difficult here. I’m a proponent of the black jean. But, I often wonder why. I think they’re really just worn by people to make a point, and it’s the typical ‘I wear black clothes’ point, which is basically juvenile. However, I wear black jeans, so I’m posting a picture of Bill Hicks, and not some total clot instead.

Smart Jeans: The smart jeans wearer is a middle-aged man who should know better. He also does know better, but thinks no-one else realises he looks like Jeremy Clarkson. He will also always have brown shoes or boots on. Hateful. He’s one step away from smart/casual. And not far enough away by half.

There are lots of other variations I haven’t gone into. Because, of course, jeans are many and varied and you’d get bored. You will perhaps also have noticed that I haven’t addressed girls jeans here. Mainly that’s because girls don’t make such a point about them as men do. And girls look ok. Apart from this one.

Bad. Very bad.