There was a time, long ago now, when men wore hats. They wore hats, because they were men and they wore a hat. This was nothing more than the done thing. When you left the house, you put on your hat. When you got to work, you took it off. When you left work you put it on again. When you got to the pub, you laid it on the bar and sipped your mild whilst filling your well-earned pipe.

It was a thoroughly decent and respectable thing that was no more unusual than thin lapels, button-down collars, smoking, war with Germany and rickets.

But, times change. Hats no longer maketh the man, unless they maketh him a total cock. It’s sad, for any number of reasons. But the variety of reasons, like the variety of hats these days, is the actual problem.

In the 1930s, men wore trilby type, fedora hats. They were brown or black, had a top crease and looked frankly excellent. This continued into the 1940s and 50s, but in the 60s, for God only knows what sickening reason, it all stopped. Apart from the bowler-hatted gents of the city, and the dwindling flat caps on the North, the hats were gone. Poof!

So now, when people wear hats they are really making a point. Unless it’s a woolly hat on a cold day, or a brimmed hat on a hot day, they’re a fashion accessory or a style choice. A statement. They should be loathed and derided at every stage. So, let’s get started.

Baseball Caps: Fairly innocuous these days, so common are they. I imagine you own one. But they are stupid imports and people wear them to look ‘cool’. They don’t

Flat Caps: Almost ok. Almost. They are an affected look, and often the effect is to make one look like an avant-garde tool. x100 for Berets.

Woolly Hats: There was an effort to rename them beanies, so that they could become a fashion accessory of real standing. Like all forced fashion the wearer is, if it’s not bloody cold, quickly identified as a waste of effort.

Leather brimmed hats: These are almost exclusively worn by overweight, pony-tailed, 35-45 year old, Games Workshop loving, chinless wonders, who have girlfriends that look like they do, and probably have a long trench-coat to match the hat.

Mini-trilbys: Assholes. Total bloody assholes. I just can’t even think about this without picturing the ‘men’ who wore these. Gladly it’s pretty much stopped now, probably when they realised that, without fail, their hats were cooler than they were.

Skull Caps: Non-Jew wearers here of course. These are the kind of people who also wear too-short trousers, ethnicky smock tops, sandals, have small beards and are ‘in tune’. They are also, ‘in denial’.

Russian/Tibetan/Stupid Ear Flappy Winter Wear: You know, warm hats imported, in design at least, from seriously cold countries. You used to only be able to get them from army surplus shops, now people wear them for real. So they look like a politician visiting Moscow. Or, the dangly goat-herder crochéd hats, to look ‘real’. Both look literally unbelievable.

Panama Hats: Now, ah, wait a minute. I really only see older, well-to-do gentlemen wearing these. Gents who probably like the cricket too. So, these are ok.

I used to wear a hat like this, then I saw my reflection, so I don’t anymore. Hats are only for girls and professional people who need to. Men need to just hang on, wait for the suit and hat revolution to return and then dust off the pipe and get down the bloody pub.