>…I was 20, and I thought that everything would be oh so fucking sweet and cool, and everyone would be doing things they’d really love, and expectations would only grow and grow as achievements were continually being ticked off and logged away as successes in people’s life experience folders. The folders they keep in the backs of their minds and hopefully don’t pull out at random and start trying to impress you with in the middle of a conversation during some chilled out and fun evening, especially when the ‘experiences’ are about travelling, or drugs. Booooring.
So, it turns out that actually life moves at approximately 1,00,000,00,000 miles per hour, and I’m 33 all of a sudden. But that’s not all. I remember when I was 20, and thinking ‘Shit. I remember being 15’.
People always say that life passes you by so fast, and you’ll regret not doing things, leaving things until tomorrow, not taking opportunities and chances. That is so true. It’s a stark wake up call for me to be realising this already as, hopefully, I’ve got another 60-odd years before I shuffle off of this mortal coil and suddenly find God as I’m slipping into death and realise that I’d be well off getting myself some insurance.
Now, I find myself looking at what I’ve achieved, and it’s not much. Media tells us that if you haven’t achieved fame then you’re nothing. If you aren’t a singer, a film star, an activist, a politician, a criminal or whatever else it takes to get into the papers or on the TV then you ain’t worth shit. The tribe of ‘Celebrity’ has begun to infest our common consciousness and is setting new levels of non-entity that, nevertheless, people revel in and, darker still, believe.
I think that I should like to find something morally and spiritually fulfilling to spend my time with. Not spiritual in a religious sense, as I believe religion to be bunk, but something, some calling or task, that will send me to sleep with a smile on my face and wake me up with enthusiasm in my mind, instead of my dragging myself to slumber with a heavy heart and waking every morning with dread etched across my brow.
I don’t think this is so difficult, but I can’t think about it now really. I have to get to bed as I’ve got work in the morning. Shit, have I done those figures….?