It is an old and embarrassing truth that men have been guilty of from times long since past, of prettifying themselves up and parading around to impress everyone. It is therefore a truth that the sexes, whilst evidently different in an infinite variety of ways, have many similarities, and it is to the female sex’s credit that it is far more open and honest about its decorative habits and the propensity to dress up and show off.

But, there’s a massive gulf here. Women, on the whole, look lovely. They spend lots of time looking lovely, and finding more ways to look lovelier every day. This can only be a good thing, as we all love to look at lovely things. It is true that some women are shockingly awful to behold, and some just take it too far, and become caricatures of women, with overblown hairdos, makeup, clothing and inevitable plastic surgery. But, these are the exception.

Men, by contrast, generally look as rough as asses. They are knobbly, misshapen oafs, without grace or poise, and an overwhelming impression of being very uncomfortable in their skin. They shuffle, they amble, they loaf and they scuff around. They are stubbly and spotty, greasy and unkempt. This is the rule, not the exception.

This difference is by direct contrast to the rest of the animal kingdom, where females are drab and unassuming and males are bright, balletic and impressive. Male birds are brightly coloured and exciting, they dance and perform, sing and challenge for the attention of the dowdy brown females. Mammals are generally the same – bold and impressive males, patterned and adorned by turn.

Where the division came was with the human race realising that it could oppress its female contingent, both psychologically and physically. It also came with the end of the struggle for preservation of the species. Humans don’t need to and therefore don’t think about the importance of furthering their race, so they don’t think about the importance of gaining a reproductive mate, so they don’t bother. Women, on the other hand, have been coerced into needing to gain a provider/protector in a man, so they have become the paraders, the tempters, the ones we look at and choose.

Social commentary aside this throws the oddness of male grooming into an even stranger light than it already is. Why, in this imbalanced world, do men insist on prettification? And, I don’t mean dressing smartly and having a shave, I mean any one one of the following:

Fake tan, Jewellery, Manicure/Pedicure, Waxing, Muscle-building, Facial Topiary, Teeth Whitening, Fashionable clothing

This is not an exhaustive list by any means, and neither is it too specific. It actually skims rather lightly over the surface of what is a worrying and rather disappointing trend, of men becoming metro-sexual/macho/homo-erotic laughing stocks.

The exceptionally disappointing aspect of this is the groupings of men you can see in any city centre, on any Friday or Saturday night, with useless large biceps, tights v-neck shirts, jewellery around necks and wrists, pointy shoes, overlarge belt buckles and, worse than anything else….


There are two types of men in this world. Those who have haircuts, and those who have hairstyles.

Hairstyles, indeed.