>Trousers as fashion, as style, as practical leg warmth and protection, or just a cover-up of the most unappealing of human appendages? I am not entirely convinced that the human race has yet worked out what its plan is in regard to trousers.

It seems all rather obvious that, several millennia past, people would cover their legs to keep them warm, and then a sheath would have replaced cumbersome wrappings. So, the trouser would have clearly and naturally come into being. The ability to protect one’s legs in a trice would have been a clear advancement for outdoors people. Like murderers and gardeners.

However, since the advent of comfortable living, and people’s necessity to survive having been depleted by a generality of world peace, trousers have become decoration, and this is troubling.

In much the same way that people are now fat, because they don’t have to try in order to get hold of food, people are now stupid looking because they are allowed to wear whatever trousers they wish. It’s not a new thing – people have worn embarrassing legwear for many a long year, but the fact that it continues without taking a breath is surprising.

I suppose that, what with the leg being such a large part of the overall body, the trouser has developed naturally into a showpiece and, for that reason, I give it some credibility. There’s nothing pleasing about a large blank space after all. But, the extremes become embarrassingly obvious after nothing more than 10 minutes walk down an average city street.

Of course, fashion and style prevails. We all know this. People often wear things they regret in hindsight, but it’s ok because they were of the time. When there’s a naturalistic shift to a certain style, then it’s kind of acceptable. In the 60s and 70s there were a shocking amount of people wearing heavy flares and massive facial hair. In fact, most people did. Some took it to extremes of course, but generally men had massive sideburns and taches, and wore wide-leg trousers and even heeled boots and shoes to work. This kind of general style shift I can largely accept.

So, it’s important to give examples of my ire, or this will become (somehow) more boring than it already is. For I don’t begrudge a general fashion shift, it’s more the stylistic movements than embrace the ludicrous.

Flares – Ah ha! Bet you wouldn’t have guessed I’d say that, after my preemptive defence above. But, it’s no longer the 70s and people don’t wear them because it’s what people wear. People who wear flares now are trying to look like people who wear flares, which is madness. That means they are actively trying to look like someone who now regrets what they used to look like. To what end would you do this? Because you’re a prat is why.

Skinny – Not a contradiction in regard to the above statement. In fact, I propose that it’s much the same thing. It’s an extreme tightness of leg that is supposed to extenuate the bandy-legged defencelessness of the sensitive soul within. Rather like Bambi I suppose. Of course, this isn’t true at all. As the very nature of fashion dictates, it’s a vapid piece of copycat symbolism that fools no-one. It’s impractical and painful looking. And, more importantly, it looks like you’ve got your sister’s jeans on, which is one step away from having your mum’s knickers on and, for all I know, you have.

Ass – This makes my blood boil. Some years ago the fashion was for baggy jeans. Often so baggy they hung below the underwear line, an occurrence that was promoted to the point that people actively wore underwear for display. Ok on a flat-stomached young blade, not so on the other 99% of the population. So, when this baggy jeans phase moved on and skinny jeans became de rigeur, who would have guessed it’s revival? Now, skinny jeaned, low crotched, full ass-display jokers roam the streets like there is nothing wrong with this at all. I’ve had to physically restrain myself from advancing on guys who have literally got their jeans (with ubiquitous chequered or studded belt) under their ass-cheeks. Part of me wants to ask how they’re staying up. The other part of me wants to punch them in the head and yank their trousers up so hard that they’ll end up with a testicle in each nostril.

This is all getting a bit much now so, to recap: Trousers are for keeping your legs warm and away from the delicate eyes of your fellow citizens. A decent light-weight cord, or front-crease canvas navy blue, is all you need.

I thank you.